We see the light -- but it's definitely not in our house

We see the light -- but it's definitely not in our house

BY DAVE BARRY

One by one, we're losing our friends. It's the same every time: They call us and say, ''We got our power back!'' And we hate them.

We don't say we hate them, of course. We say, ''That's GREAT! Good for you!'' But secretly we hate them, because now they have lights and TV and air conditioning and the ability to take showers without screaming from being stabbed with needles of cold water the way the late Tony Perkins stabbed the late Janet Leigh in the movie Psycho. Whereas we do not expect to be enjoying these luxuries any time in the current decade. We are always THE last house to get power back. Billions of years ago, when the Earth was a glowing radioactive ball of hot gas, there was one speck of darkness; this is where our house is located today. It's a black hole, our house. Often when our neighbors' houses are basking in the midafternoon sun, our house is experiencing night. It wouldn't surprise me to discover we had vampires.

We have a generator, but it requires gasoline, and there is none. We know this because, when we are not busy hating our former friends who got their power back, we go out looking for gasoline, and all we see are lines.

People are lining up at gas stations that aren't even open; people are lining up at vacant lots where, rumor has it, gas stations are going to be built some day. President Bush came down to look around, and the Secret Service wound up pushing his limo back to the airport because he ran out of gas and nobody would let him in line.

Yes, it's a desperate situation, reminding me of that Mel Gibson movie The Road Warrior, set in a horribly violent post-apocalyptic world ruled by this gang of homicidal Mohawk-haircut pervert bodybuilders wearing leather chaps with their butt cheeks showing, and gasoline is extremely precious, and Mel has to kill like 19 people just so he can fill up his tank.

Our situation is much worse. Mel did not have to deal with South Florida drivers, who simply do NOT grasp the concept of the four-way stop. Down here, when you come to an intersection with a nonworking stoplight, you have NO idea what any of the other drivers are going to do. Some slow down; some speed up; some make emergency U-turns to get behind you, in case you are forming a gas line. Mel wouldn't last 10 minutes out there.

Speaking of lines: In Miami-Dade County, people have been lining up all over the place, often waiting for hours, to get water, despite the fact that the authorities keep announcing that the Miami-Dade water -- the kind that comes out of the taps -- is perfectly safe to drink. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING THIS? Do you ENJOY waiting in line? When you go to the Space Mountain ride at Walt Disney World, if there's no line when you get there, do you say: ``Let's come back later, when there are more people ahead of us!''?

While we here in South Florida wait for things, the outside world is going on without us. When I'm driving around not finding gas, I hear snatches of non-Wilma news on the radio. In Washington, somebody named ''Scooter'' just got indicted for something. Apparently, he was a top aide to Dick Cheney, who apparently is still the vice president, although nobody has seen him lately. Maybe he's down here somewhere, in line for gas.
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